Let's hear your jokes

[pladecalvo]

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.

As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"



The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."


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A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.

"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70 or early '80 model Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor.

"Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."

The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"

"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."

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A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.

The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

"What did you do that for?!" the man screams.

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"

The man says, "No, I don't, but my wife out in the car still does."

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...

A r e - my - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

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A young man walks onto the stage at a talent contest on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips. The host introduces him as Simon. "It's very brave of you to come out here" says the compare. "Please tell the audience what happened?"

"Well", replies Simon "about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs."

"That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?" asks the host.

"No!" said Simon. "While I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful. I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking
fully again by the end of the year."

A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.

The host responds with: "That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?"


"Tonight", said the guy, "I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle."


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A male and a female whale were swimming around when they saw a whaling ship in the distance.

"Look over there" said the male whale, "there's one of those ships that keep chasing us. Let's swim over and dive underneath the ship and when we're underneath we'll both blow a load of air out from our beathing holes and it will tip the boat over."

So they swam over and, just before reaching the ship, they slid below the waves until they were directly under the ship. In a joint effort the both blew out as hard as they could and the huge explosion of air overturned the ship.

The male whale looked around at all the sailors who were floundering in the water and said to the female whale...

"Right! Now we've got them in the water, well eat 'em."

"Not likely" said the female, "I didn't mind the blow job but I'm not swallowing the seamen!"

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A trainee priest is called in to see the priest who says to him...

"I have to go away on business for a few days so you'll have to take confession this Sunday in my absence".

"But Father", said the trainee...."I've never done that before. I don't know what penance to give for what sins"

"I've thought of that" said the Father. "What I've done is list the sins on this paper and opposite each one I've put the penance. All you have to do is match up the sin with the penance."

Sunday came and the trainee priest entered the confessional box to meet his first confession. The voice behind the grill said...

"Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I had lustful thoughts about the woman living next door."

The trainee looks down the list until he finds 'Lust' and then follows across to where the penance was listed.

"Lust" he shouts "Ahh!! ya beast...ya filthy beast for havin' such thoughts. Go away and say three Hail Marys ...and don't ya be doing it again.... ya filthy beast!"

A moment later the second confession arrives.

"Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I took some money that didn't belong to me."

The priest scans the paper for theft and then checks the penance.

"Ahh!! ya theiving hound. You'll be away to hell if ya don't say 6 Hail Marys. You're a beast that's what ye are....away out of me sight ya devil."

The third confession arrives...a young girl....

"Forgive me father for I have sinned. Last night I was with my boyfriend and it went a bit too far and I...well I.......I performed oral sex on him."

The trainee scans the paper for the sin........but it's not there! Fevourishly, he looks up and down the paper but he can't find it. In desperation, he pulls back the curtain just as a choir boy is walking past on his way to choir practice.

"Hey, boy!...boy!...away here a moment" he says in a hushed voice, "What does the Holy Father give for oral sex?"

"A bar of chocolate" replied the boy.

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A doctor is addressing an audience.

"The material that we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed us years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode our stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disasterous and none of realise the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water....but there is one thing we eat that has a long term and disasterous effect on our lives. This one food alone...and most of us have or will eat it sometime in our lives....can cause grief and suffering for years after eating it. Can anyone here tell me what it is?"

After several seconds of silence, an old chap in the front row raised his hand and softly said...

"Wedding Cake".

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FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN WOMEN.

A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she stayed over at a girlfiend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 closest friends...... none of them knew anything about it!


FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN MEN.

A man doesn't come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he stayed over at a buddy's house. The wife call her husband's 10 closest friends..........

8 of them confirmed that he'd slept at their place...and 2 claimed that he was still there.

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My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldnt overcome and didnt really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldnt say a word. She said, "Im going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldnt ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!

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Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of Chardonnay"

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Dear President Bush,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's law. I have learned a great deal from you and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them:

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not to Canadians.

Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. If I wanted to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7, in this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states that he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that, even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. Is this true? Are there "degrees" of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them (Lev. 24:10-16)? Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws (Lev. 20:14)?

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

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A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man about 1 foot high, a tiny piano and a stool. He places them on the counter and the little man sits down and begins to play a piano concerto.

“Where on earth did you get that” said the bartender.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a lamp and tells the bartender to rub it. So the bartender does, there’s a puff of smoke and a genie appears.

“I grant you one wish.……and only one wish”, says the genie.

The bartender says, “I’d like a million bucks”.

Suddenly a duck appears in the room, then another and another. Before long the place was full of ducks. The bartender turns to the man and says, “Y’know, I think that genie is a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks not a million ducks.”

“Don’t I know it” said the man. "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”

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One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church.

"Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg with the pin."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work.

"And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried in pain as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister.

Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed.

"Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"Christ!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again Mr Jones," said the minister, smiling.

Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice.
As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband with the pin, who yelled....

"You stick that friggin' thing in me again and I'm going to break it in half and shove it up your arse."

"Amen!" shouted the congregation.

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A tourist walked into a Brighton England curio/antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.
It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?"

The owner replied: "It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story."

The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed and ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster and faster. By now very concerned, he ran to down the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: "Ah, you've come back for the story then?"

"No," said the tourist,"I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of illegal immigrants, a Manchester United supporter.......and anything French!"

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HOW TO HANDLE IRRITATING AIRPLANE SEAT MATES

If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or
train follow these instructions: (and maybe say goodbye!).

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop.

3. Start up

4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen.

5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.

6. Then hit this link............

http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swf

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Einstein goes to heaven, and Saint Peter says, "You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths some people will go to, to sneak in. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really are Einstein! Welcome to Heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush.

Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

George W looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."

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Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding the birds and talking non-stop about baseball, like they do every day. Abe says to Sol, “Do you think they have baseball in heaven?” Sol thinks and says “I dunno…but lets make a deal. If I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in heaven and if you die first, you come back and tell me.”
Sadly, a few days later, Abe dies.

A few weeks later, Sol is sat on the park bench when he hears a voice whisper, “Sol….Sol….”.

Sol says “Abe! Is that you?”

“Yes it is” said Abe’s ghost.

“Hey! You came back like you said you would. So tell me Abe, Is there baseball in heaven?”

”Well” said Abe. “ I’ve got some good news and some bad about the baseball.”

“Give me the good news first” says Sol

Abe says, “There is baseball in heaven.”

“Wow!” says Sol, “What news could be bad enough to ruin that?”

Abe sighs and whispers,

………….“You’re pitching on Friday.”

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A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much the bird cost.
The owner said it was $50.

Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She told the owner that she still wanted the bird. The pet shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad,"

A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores." The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation.

A couple of hours later, the woman's husband, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores... ...same old faces. Hi Ray."

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Four nuns die in a car accident heading to a Christmas party and are standing at the pearly gates. St. Peter wheels over a trough of holy water and tells the nuns, “Before you are admitted into heaven, you must wash clean that part of your body that has come into contact with a penis.”

The nuns all agree and the first nun goes through and dips her index finger in and proceeds through the pearly gates.

The second nun dips her right hand in, and proceeds through the pearly gates.

The fourth nun taps the third nun on the shoulder and asks, “Do you mind if I gargle before you swish your arse in that thing?”

[pladecalvo]

THE UK IN THE 21st CENTURY.

First...what happens in the rest of the world:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END



THE UK VERSION.
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food. The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so, while others have plenty.

The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome".

Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed.

He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper. Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home.

The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain's apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.

Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'illness'.

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost GBP10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK. The asylum-seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the
government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.


They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

The squirrel ? He moved to Spain...

[pladecalvo]

A Welsh farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking out of a
pond.

The Welsh farmer shouted: "Paid a yfed a dwr, maer gwerthin wedi cachu un a
for." Which means: "Don't drink the water the cows have shit in it."


The man shouts back: "I'm English I don't understand. Please speak in English."


The Welsh farmer says: "Use two hands, it holds more"!!!

[pladecalvo]

BRITS REVOKE USA INDEPENDENCE


(A Message to the citizens of the United States of America):

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she doesn't like).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' and you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise.

3. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

4. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, GOD SAVE THE QUEEN.

5. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

6. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

7. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.

8. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left immediately. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

11. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

12. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called CRISPS. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with salt and vinegar.

13. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

14. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

15. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football. You call it soccer.

16. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies.

17. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

18. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

19. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

[(¯`·.Unique.·´¯)©]

Your jokes are WAY too long.....short and sweet does the trick.


What do you tell a black Jew???

GET TO THE BACK OF THE OVEN!

See....short and sweet.

[..Ñøßߥ..]

7. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.

8. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

ROFLMFAO

Thanks pladecalvo, long read but worth it...

[pladecalvo]

A goat goes into the job centre and asks in perfect English for some work. The amazed clerk has a look through his files and tells the goat he could try the circus.

"The circus?" says the goat "What would the circus want with a bricklayer?"
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Tony Blair went jogging whenever he went to Chequers.

Every Day he would jog past a prostitute standing on the same corner.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow "Fifty pounds!" she would shout from the kerb.

No! Five pounds!" Tony would fire back.

This ritual between them became a daily occurrence.
He would run by and she would yell, "Fifty pounds!"
He would yell back, "Fiver!"

One day Cherie Blair decided that she wanted to jog with him.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's corner, Tony realized that she would bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he had really been doing on all his past outings.

He knew he would best be ready with a darn good explanation for the,"missus".

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner,

Tony became more apprehensive than normal. Sure enough there was the tart.

Tony tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then from the pavement the tart yelled:

”There you go Tony. See what you get for a fiver!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the
place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although
they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally
steps on one.

Along comes St.. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for
stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and
along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is
another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same
admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained
for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she
steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day
St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever
laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped George Bush, * Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, and Pat Robertson. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

The man replied ……."About a gallon."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document
here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing
work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted
the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the
machine. "I just need one copy."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Phone Call!

“Hello?"
"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mummy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy right now."

(Brief Pause.)

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it
Daddy."

"And what happened honey? he asked.

"Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh no!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***




Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles whilst taking a bath.

"Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy is in a queue at the supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and, although familiar, he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry, do you know me?"

She replies " I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children".

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he had been unfaithful.

"Blimey" he says. "Are you that stripogram on my stag night that I had sex with on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery?

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brian invited his mother over for dinner.
During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep
noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was.

Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and
Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I
doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure". So he sat down and wrote:

"Dear Mum: I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from
the house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Brian".

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

"Dear Son: I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie; I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if Stephanie is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mum."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54-year-old body can no longer supply. However, I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed. I shall be back home before midnight.


When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:


My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time, I would like to inform you that while you are reading this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who, like your secretary, is also 18. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back until lunchtime tomorrow.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at
the airport. It was after midnight.

While en-route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness
as he suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch
her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied
when I told you I inherited our money. He paid for the new golf clubs I bought you. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover him with that blanket……. before he
catches a cold.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CAT'S DIARY

Day 483 of my captivity...

My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.

The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction that I get from clawing their furniture. Tomorrow I will eat another houseplant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair. I must remember to try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, that did not work according to plan...

This evening there was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." I must learn what this is and how I may use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I have patience, I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.
The
robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him,
"What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "About 150," and the robot proceeds to make
conversation
about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality,
biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory,
nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool."

He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around,
and
comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the
perfectly
prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responds, "About 100." Immediately the robot starts talking,
but
this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, cars, beer, guns, and
breasts.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot
one
more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks,
"What's your IQ?" The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."

And the robot says... real slow ...

"So..........ya......gonna......vote......for......Bush......again???"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
25 Signs You've Grown Up

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favourite song in an elevator

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break-up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %@# kids next
door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of
one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms
and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going
to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real
work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them
instead of asking "Oh f**k! What the heck happened?

Bonus:
26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn't apply to you and can't find a single one to save your sorry old arse.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An attorney got home late one evening after a very taxing day of
trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was
due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for
clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and
depressed.

As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him.
"What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and
on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he
went and poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot
soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was
told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution
and would not be hanged that night after all.

Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go
upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband's rear end and private parts as he was bent over naked drying
his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed,
"FOR f**k'S SAKE WOMAN! DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he
comes upon a Preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds
to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell
of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

"Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and
dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk,

"Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water
again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of
the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk
in the water again--but this time holds him down for about 30
seconds-- and when he begins kicking his arms and legs, he pulls
him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have
you found Jesus ?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath--and says to the
preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
READING TEST...

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person can't.

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is prat cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the followingchain of events are put into motion:

1. The woman does the shopping.
2. The woman makes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer whilst he deals with the situation.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.....(and so they should!)
11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off" and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't ever be late!!

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, and taken illegal drugs. I was appalled.

But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three women went to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation,
got drunk, and woke up in jail, only to find that they are to be
executed, though none of them can remember what they did the night
before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and
asked if she has any last words. She said, "I just graduated from
Brigham Young University and believe in the almighty power of God to
intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They threw the switch and
nothing happened. They immediately fell to the floor on their
knees; begging for her forgiveness, and released her.

The second one, a brunette, was strapped in and her last words were,
"I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the
power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They threw
the switch and, again, nothing happened. They fell to their knees;
begged for her forgiveness, and released her.

The last one, a blonde, was strapped in and said, "Well, I'm from the
University of Arkansas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical
Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute
nobody if you don't plug this thing in!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly - pay me a compliment".

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's perfect".
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain; and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party after all. In as much as her husband didn't know what costume she'd be wearing, she thought she'd have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she wasn't around.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every chick he could, getting a little kiss here and a warm squeeze there. His wife went up to him and being rather seductive herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to this new babe who had just arrived.

She let him do whatever he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and they did it all! Zowie! Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in. She asked how the evening had been? He said "Oh, the same old thing. You know, I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "You know, I didn't dance even one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you...from what I heard, the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes I do," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
ALL AGES WELCOME



Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will only accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics include: -

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS

Step by step guide with slide presentation



TOILET ROLLS - DO THEY GROW ON HOLDERS?

Roundtable discussion



DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET AND FLOOR

Practical session



DISHES & CUTLERY: DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY THEMSELVES TO KITCHEN SINK/DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?

Debate among a panel of experts



LOSS OF VIRILITY

Losing the remote control to your significant other - help line and support groups



LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS

Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming: Open forum

DAY TWO



EMPTY MILK CARTONS: DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?

Group discussion and role-play



HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH

PowerPoint presentation



REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST

Real life testimonial from one man who did



IS IT GENETICALLY POSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?

Driving simulation



LIVING WITH ADULTS: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER & YOUR PARTNER

Outline class and role-playing



HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION

Relaxation techniques, meditation and breathing exercises



REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU ARE GOING TO BE LATE

Bring your diary or PDA to class



GETTING OVER IT: LEARNING HOW TO COPE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME

Individual counselling sessions

[Debaser]

A skeleton walks up to a bar, and orders a beer and a mop.

[Debaser]

I got a peanut stuck in my ear this morning......

I put some chocolate in my other ear and it came out a treat

[Vladd44]

Did you hear about the new Jewish tire?

It not only stops on a dime, it picks it up.

[Canada Joe]

Some of the funniest shit I've ever read (heard first, read later) is George Carlin On Religion ... and who cannot help but love a fella who ends a religious rant with "Joe Bless You!"?

[Debaser]

Christmas is just two f**k deer!!

[Debaser]

What do you call an intelligent man in America?
























































A tourist

[Canada Joe]

Two fraternity brothers decide to go sailing one afternoon and become lost. After twenty hours with nothing to eat or drink, one of them spots a lamp floating by. He picks it up and a genie pops out. The genie notices the poor condition of the brothers and grants them one wish between the two of them.

After a lot of arguing over who gets the wish, one of them blurts out, "I wish the ocean was made of beer."

Magically, the ocean turns to beer.

Infuriated, the other guy yells, "You idiot! Now we have to piss in the boat!"

[Canada Joe]

Grass Eater
A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, please come to my house!"

"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."

"Bring them along!" the rich man said.

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."

The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"

[Canada Joe]

Alien Abduction
Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar enjoying themselves, when Ted walks in looking distressed.

"Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks.

Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk, and then somewhere between here and my house, I was abducted by an alien?"

Everyone is shocked. "I heard about this kind of thing happening!" Bills says. "What did the alien do to you?"

"I don't remeber all the details," Ted says. "All I remember is being anally probed by the alien."

Everyone is horrified. "I heard that they'll do that!" Steve says. "What did the alien look like?"

Ted responds, "Vladd."

[Canada Joe]

Saddam's Cat ... ..

[4veryng]

[4veryng]

This one always makes me laugh...

[4veryng]

Oh wow, sorry about that...it took so long I thought my system froze

[..Ñøßߥ..]

lol, thats so cool its worth leaving twice!


How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry It!


What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.


What are the three fastest means of communication?

1) Internet

2) Telephone

3) Telawoman


How are fat girls and mopeds alike?

They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.


How do you p*ss off a female archaeologist??

Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.


How is a woman like a condom?

Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your *.


What should you give a woman who has everything?

A man to show her how to work it.


Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?

Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.


How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.


Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?

Because they don't have balls to scratch.


Why did God create woman ?

To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.


Why do women fake orgasms ?

Because they think men care.


What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, she's been told twice already.


If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have

you done wrong?

Made her chain too long


How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.


Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably

never be able to support you.


Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer

to the kitchen sink.


How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'


How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.


Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required

pressure.


If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the

front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.


What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told


I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.


Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by

90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.


Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.


Women will never be equal to men...

until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and

still think they are sexy.


In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[April]

[..Ñøßߥ..]

Mrs Dragonrider was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
Dragonrider walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
His eyes lit up and he thought,

'This is my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
and then gave it his all;
Right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said,

'Thanks,'
and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked,

'What was that all about?'
She explained,
'The egg timer's broken.

[Canada Joe]

The Aging Explorer
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ROARRRR!"

[Vladd44]