Let's hear your jokes

[Canada Joe]

Elder Foreplay

The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.

The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head.

The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic. However, she finally got it in place.

She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.

However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air. It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.

"Gladys!" he exclaimed." For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in .... You look like an asshole."

[Canada Joe]

State Trooper

A state trooper pulls a car over for speeding. In the car is an old lady who is hard of hearing and her husband.

When the trooper asks the lady for her driver's license the lady responds, "Heh, what did he say?"

The old man speaks up as he says, "HE NEEDS YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE."

A few minutes later the trooper comes back to the car and says, "Ma'am I see you're from Florida."

The old lady comments, "Heh, what did he say?"

The old man speaks up as he says, "HE SEES YOU'RE FROM FLORIDA.'"

The old lady nods her head, "Yup."

The trooper mutters, "Boy, one time, I got the worst piece of ass I ever had in Florida."

The old lady replies, "Heh, what did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!"

[Canada Joe]

My Father, The Whorehouse Piano Player
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you're first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy''s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy''s father said, "I'm actually an attorney, but how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

[Canada Joe]

Babe-raham Lincoln
An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

[DragonRider]

Time to pitch in and buy Joe a new joke book...them Canadians have waaaayyyy too much time on their hands during those 6 months of darkness each year...

[Canada Joe]

8 Months of winter & 4 months of shitty golfing weather!

[Canada Joe]

Irish Pub Sausage
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub..

[Canada Joe]

Why stick people are extinct.. -->

[Canada Joe]

Donkey and Onion
What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?



A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes!

[Canada Joe]

Little Nancy's Pet
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

[Vladd44]

What's an Irishman's 7 course meal?

a six pack and a potato


What's an Polack's 7 course meal?

a six pack and a beer

[Canada Joe]

A Canadian rapper...


6 Pak fer shur..

[DragonRider]

I'll take a six pack and a potato any day...

[DragonRider]

A guy goes to a brain surgeon and the brain surgeon tells him that his brain is slowly rotting away but that because of a new break through in medical science he can replace the guys brain with a transplant. The guy asks the doctor how much the transplant will cost and the doctor tells him it all depends on the brain that he buys.

"What kind of brains do you have for sale", asks the guy
"Well", says the brain surgeon, "We have rocket scientist brains for $75.00 each, we have Politicians brains for $55.00 each, and we have Englishmen's brains for $1,000,000 each."
"Why are the Englishmen's brains so expensive?", asks the guy.
"Well", says the brain surgeon, "It's because the Englishmen's brains are like brand new, they have never been used".

[DragonRider]

PHUQUE U, NOB-SLOBBER

[Vladd44]

pffft, brits don't have brains.

Next you will be talking about asians like they have souls.

[Canada Joe]

Milking it
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

"Breast fed," the woman replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."

[SweetGirl420]

[Vladd44]

Shit, now I can just seen nobby borrowing a baby and a gray wig.

[..Ñøßߥ..]

Damn it Vladd, you always find out my cunning tricks, i have been making all sorts of excuses to get to see my doctor, i cant think why?







Anyone got any suggestions?




Oh btw, i probably should introduce my doctor.......

[Canada Joe]

An oldie but a goody from our friend Vladd

[DragonRider]

Now we know why Vladd is so happy about Fridays....

[Canada Joe]

Now we know why Vladd is so happy about Fridays....

Great minds do think alike .. that's exactly what I was thinking when I posted it!

[Canada Joe]

The Bottom Line
A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon.

All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink.

The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on the butt?"

The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips."

The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?"

Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them."

[DragonRider]

Joe, I hope that you realize that the picture you posted is a picture of my great-great-great-gran-pappy and his mediocre horse...

Now that we have that established, please be informed that I will be taking you to the same court that Mando is taking Vladd to and will be sueing you for all the ice in Canada...It is supposed to be a long hot summer this year and according to Mando I am destined to hell anyway so I will need the ice to keep my beer cold...