Let's hear your jokes

[Canada Joe]

[battye]

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?

















Frostbite

[Canada Joe]

[lorryhalf]

why can't SANTA CLAUSE have children?
because he only comes once a year and that's down a chimney

[lorryhalf]

1 more SANTA joke-please pleaseeee PLEEEEEEEEEAAASEE--i'll be good
OK
"whts the difference between SANTA and MRS CLAUSE??????????
giveup?: Snowballs

[..Ñøßߥ..]

The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.

The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However",the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified". Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell. On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat. "Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope. "No problem" replied Tiger Woods.
Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"
Tiger: "Why is that?"
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"
Tiger: "You're a day late."

[Canada Joe]

[Canada Joe]

[Canada Joe]

[Canada Joe]

A Russian and a Norwegian wrestler (just happened to be named Ole) were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal.

Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has.

Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.

The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nuttin' to lose, so wid my last ounce of strenth I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."

So the trainer exclaimed, "And that's what finished him off??"

"Vell, not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts."

[Canada Joe]

[Canada Joe]

[Canada Joe]

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ~ ~

[ahamtatsat]

lady goes into a deli to pick up the office's lunch that day. while she waits for the order she glances out the window and sees a hearse going by at three miles/hour. curious, she walks closer to the window and sees another hearse following 50 feet behind and doing the sedate 3 mph.

she walks to the left a little more and sees a beautiful woman dressed in black, walking a rotweiler dog at a comfortable 3 mph pace at fifty feet behind the second hearse. puzzled she walks to get her best view to the side and sees a line of women, dressed every which way following fifty feet behind her.

she is intrigued, so she picks up the order and goes into the street to the woman with the dog.

"i'm so sorry and i know that this is rude, but if i don't find out what is going on here this will drive me crazy! may i ask what happened?"

the woman replies: "my husband had a little too much to drink and became somewhat abusive. the dog came to my protection and unfortunately, my husband was killed."

"oh! how horrible! what is the second hearse for?"

"well, his mother was visiting and when my dog was attacking my husband she tried to save him and the dog killed her too."

"Oh! my word! double tragedy, i am so very sorry for you!" long pause. "can i borrow the dog?'

"get in line."

[ahamtatsat]

two guys decide to walk their dogs on a beautiful saturday afternoon in the city. they walk and talk and sometime later one guy says, "man, i am really getting hungry." the other guy is hungry too and is not all that happy at the prospect of walking the dogs all the way home before they can eat.

"don't worry, follow my lead." the first guy says and walks his dog into the restaurant. the waiter says "sir! you are not allowed to bring any dogs into the restaurant. please return to the street." the man pretends to be blind and stares at him blankly and pleads his case. the waiter relents and lets him take a seat with the dog laying at his feet.

the second guy thinks that he should be able to duplicate that and get his meal too, so he walks into the restaurant with his dog. the waiter stops the second guy and tells him that the dog is not allowed into the restaurant. "but this is my seeing eye dog!" the man exclaims. disparagingly, the waiter asks "a chihuahua?"

the man shouts "a chihuahua? they gave me a chihuahua?"

[Canada Joe]

[Canada Joe]

I went to the dentist the other day, and as soon as I opened my mouth he went - "Been having fun with the missus before going out have we?"
Now, I distinctively remembered having brushed my teeth thoroughly before leaving so I told him: "Don't tell me there's pubes between my teeth!"
To which he replied: "No sir, there's shit in your nose."

[Canada Joe]

[Canada Joe]

[Canada Joe]

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped
on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or
backwards, she did the splits and suction-cupped herself to the
floor. She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!"

Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody well suctioned myself to
the floor," she said.

"S'truth," Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast
girl. I'll go across the road and get me mate Wayne to help."

They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way, we can't
do it,"
Wayne said, "So let's try Plan B."

"Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what's that?"

"I'll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles
under her," replied Wayne ..

"Spot on," Bruce said, "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and
play with her nipples."

"Play with her nipples?" Wayne said, "Not exactly a good time for
that mate!"

"No," Bruce replied, "but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we
can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are cheaper."

[Canada Joe]

[Canada Joe]

[Canada Joe]

DR, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back hame. Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said DR "Back home in Dublin there's O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

"Wow," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me, myself, personally, no," said DR "but it happened to me sister!"

[Canada Joe]

Scientist Invents a New Bra



Dr. Kelvin Ricketts, a scientist from Ohio State University , has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Ricketts outside and kicked the shit out of him.

[Canada Joe]