Let's hear your jokes

[Canada Joe]

Coming to America

One day, the Pope is visiting America and driving around Washington in his limo when he gets an idea.
"Driver? Can I drive for a while?"
"Sure," says the driver. How can you say no to the Pope? So the Pope takes the wheel and starts driving like a maniac all around Washington -- dodging in and out of traffic, going eighty, cutting people off. Soon, a cop pulls him over. But when the Pope rolls down the window, the cop stops dead in his tracks, and goes back to the car.
"We got somebody really important here," he says to his partner.
"Who is it? Is it a senator?"
"No. More important."
"The president?"
"No. More important."
"An ambassador? Who?"
"I don't know. But the Pope is his driver."

[Canada Joe]

Bungee Jumping in Nanaimo, BC..

Making Babies

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

'Good morning,Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to.......'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer.
'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped.
Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and Out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.

[Canada Joe]

Tips for Traveling in the South

--If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth eating.

-- If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive truck with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help, just stay out of their way -- this is what they live for.

-- Don't be surprised to find boiled peanuts, movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.

-- Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

-- Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

-- If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" -- stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

-- If you see a turn signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

-- Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. They are to be positioned directly in front of one's trailer, since it cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

-- As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember: many Southerners learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

-- You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

[Canada Joe]

Bungee Jumping in Nanaimo, BC..

[Canada Joe]

Drink orders..

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

[..Ñøßߥ..]

The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaites him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ..."

St. Peter: "The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss."

St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.

St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."

God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)

Jesus: "Yes father, what's up?"

God and St. Peter explain the situation.

Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."

Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.

Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I started about 2000 years ago? It still exists!"

[Canada Joe]

[Canada Joe]

Yup.. it's a-comin'

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman , Montana , while awaiting their respective flights.

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl. "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."

[Canada Joe]

.

[Canada Joe]

Paddy to the rescue...

Paddy was walking along the street in Dublin when he rounds a corner and there's a high rise building on fire.

Paddy being the kind-hearted Irishman, runs up to the building to see if he can help and notices people trapped 5 stories up.

Paddy yells to the people "I'm Patrick Sean Michael Fitzpatrick, the Irish Rugby Union fullback, if you jump I'll catch you".

One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough Paddy catches her.

A man sees that Paddy catches the woman and jumps. Sure enough Paddy catches him safely.

A black man jumps out and splats on the ground, Paddy didn't even attempt to catch him.

Paddy looked up and yelled, "Don't throw out the fooken' burnt ones!"

[Canada Joe]

[Canada Joe]

Scam

Australian Police have been totally unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam:

A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check.

After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers money in the form of a company check. However, due to the name of the company, few people ever bother to present these to their banks. The name?

'The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company' ...

[Canada Joe]

They're killing gays in Iraq
It seems Al Queda are using gays to blow people up (pun intended.. )
they strap explosives to their arses and call them suicide bummers...

[..Ñøßߥ..]

A policeman seeking to join the Met's Firearms Department, is being interviewed.

The Commander doing the interview says: "Your qualifications look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a loaded service pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go and shoot twenty illegal immigrants,six drug dealers, sixty Muslim extremists, and a rabbit.

"Why the rabbit?" asks the policeman.

"Great attitude", says the Commander. "When can you start?"

[Canada Joe]

Recently heard conversation on IRC

<Sonium> someone speak python here?
<lucky> HHHHHSSSSSHSSS
<lucky> SSSSS
<Sonium> the programming language

.

[Canada Joe]

[Canada Joe]

Mr Garisson shows a kindergarten sex ed class how a condom goes on..

[Canada Joe]

Starving Afreekins

I have just had a call from a Charity, asking me to donate some of my
clothes to starving Africans.

I told them to F##k off!!

Anybody who fits into my clothes is not starving!!

[Canada Joe]

Suicide hot line



I was so depressed last night , thinking about the economy, the wars, jobs, savings, social security, retirement funds, etc. that I called the Suicide Hot Line.
Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan.
Told them I was suicidal......
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck!

[Canada Joe]

Ecstasy...

[Canada Joe]

Redneck Mansion

These folks obviously have big bucks..

[Canada Joe]

Little Johnny's Halloween

Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy in his mouth. An old lady came over and said. "Son, don't you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick?"

"My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!" replied Johnny.

"Did he eat five candy bars at a sitting?" the old lady retorted.

"No," said Johnny, "but he minded his own freakin' business."

[Canada Joe]

Don't get Papa Smurf too excited!

[Canada Joe]

[Canada Joe]

Dude!! That was some really good shit...