Let's hear your jokes

[Canada Joe]

Cat in the Way

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."

cats.png (3.38 KiB) Viewed 1363 times

[SweetGirl420]

Attention - until further notice:

Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
We apologize for the inconvenience .

[Canada Joe]

Virus Warning

There are viruses that will come after you via the mouse, get
into your hand, through the skin into your bloodstream and
eventually down to your manhood and gnaw it off at the root!
(wimmin folks is immune)

[Canada Joe]

Walks Into a Bar... Vampires

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."

The second one says, "I'll have one, too."

The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."

The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

[..Ñøßߥ..]

1. Teaching Maths In 1970

A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price.
What is his profit?


2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price, or £800.
What is his profit?


3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is £800.
Did he make a profit?


4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is £800 and his profit is £200.
Your assignment: Underline the number 200.


5. Teaching Maths In 2008
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is totally selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of £200. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.
If you are upset about the plight of the animals in question counselling will be available)


6. Teaching Maths 2018

أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من> الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟

[Canada Joe]

Nookie Green
An Irishman went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church..
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession.. I
had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail
Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has
been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green
twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'
"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replied.
"Very well," sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a
tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The
eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the
aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and
very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and
matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just
enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed Altar Boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly
reply, "No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes"......

[Canada Joe]

The Engineer at the Golf Course

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer wait for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumes, "What's with these guys? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The pastor says, "Hey, here comes the groundskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" the doctor asks.

The groundskeeper tells them that the other golfers are a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving the clubhouse from a fire and that they come and play for free whenever they want.

The group is silent for a moment.

The pastor says, "That's so sad. I will say a special prayer for them tonight."


The doctor says, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer says, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

[..Ñøßߥ..]

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Heathrow immigration offices.


'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in England with your wife and three children.'


The man told the fairy: 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'


The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and --PING!!! He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!


'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'.


The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage in Oxford with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.


PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, overlooking the river.


'One, more wish, left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.


I want to be like the British with British clothes instead of manjams, and a baseball cap instead of this turban. And I want to have white skin like the British.'


PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, an Eagles T-shirt and a Billabong baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.


'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?'


The fairy said 'Tough luck. Now that you are English, you're entitled to f**k all!!!!' And she disappeared!

[SweetGirl420]

The Genie
A husband takes his wife to play her first round of golf. The wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A man's voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done. Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke the window?'

'Uh, yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'

'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'Now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. 'I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 45,' she responded breathlessly.
'NO SHIT!' He said, 'Forty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?'

[Canada Joe]

Dirty Sanchez

[Canada Joe]

Hey Bill

After the May 3rd tornado, many OKC residents have tried to deal with their loss through humor. Many homeowners spray-painted the wreckage of their homes or put up signs claiming: "For Sale: Fixer-Upper" or "OPEN HOUSE." However, the best one comes from a man in Moore who, before President Clinton's visit, put a sign in his yard saying:

"HEY BILL. HOW'S THIS FOR A BLOW JOB?" Unfortunately, the Secret Service asked him to remove it since there was so much media coverage.

[Canada Joe]

OBJECTIVE:
To disengage said bra without looking like an idiot.

WHAT YOU NEED
1) Girl with bra
2) Two functional hands
3) Common Sense

TECHNIQUES
1) THE HOUDINI HUG -- Using sleight-of-hand, place arms around girl and unhook bra. Try to refrain from saying, "Ta-da!"
2) MCGYVER'S OFF-THE-SHOULDER SLIDE -- An alternative method to use after ten minutes of unsuccessful hugging.
3) HILTON'S LAST RESORT -- Beg like a dog and learn to absorb the harsh sound of wicked laughter.

DO NOT USE: scissors, blowtorch, pliers, wire strippers, cutlery, Black Magic, staple remover, chainsaw, brute strength, CB4, set of lock picks, or chisel and hammer.

WARNING: When removing a bra you should not say the following:
1) "I really want to thank you for this."
2) "Dammit! I thought they were bigger."
3) "Do you have any cereal?"

[Canada Joe]

The Heaviest Element Known to Science

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

[VladdJr.]

(Heres a Joke)

A black man walks into a bar

and the Bartenders says "GET THE f**k OUT!"

[Mick832]

[DragonRider]

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the * underneath the horse, instead of on top."

[Canada Joe]

Southern Hospitality in Flight

Two ladies, a Yankee and a Southern Belle, are sitting next to each other on a plane. The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee and asks, "So, where y'all from?"

The Yankee replies, "I am from a place where we do not end our sentences with a preposition."

Without missing a beat, the Southern Belle bats her lashes and asks, "So, where y'all from, bitch?"

[Canada Joe]

Hard Liquor Stories

Hard alcohol is the only thing you put in your body that actually comes with a story. It's like, 'You want some tequila?' 'No, dude, the last time I had that....' It doesn't happen with anything else. 'Do you want some jelly beans?' 'No. The last time I had jelly beans, I ended up with my pants around my ankles, face down in the mall. Seriously, dude, I can't even smell the black ones. Just get them out of here.'

[Canada Joe]

Old Broad

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an older lady with a crown sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."

"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"

"Thirty-four," she replied.

old-broad.jpg (102.08 KiB) Viewed 1093 times

[Canada Joe]

Latex Gloves

A doctor complains to his colleagues about the sanitary problems at a latex glove factory in Mexico.

"Workers stick their hands in melted latex and then dip their hands in a vat of cooling water to solidify the latex. The glove is then thrown in a finished products box."

His colleagues are disgusted by the lack of care taken in keeping the gloves sanitary.

"That's not all," says the doctor. "You don't even want to know how they make their condoms!"

[Canada Joe]

What Would Tiger Do?

On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods, the golfer."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he goes back to the phone.

"What are you doing now?" she asks.

"I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed.

Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"

[Canada Joe]

Perfect Tee Shot

A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the damn ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here."

[Canada Joe]

.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shot To The Heart

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Canada Joe]

[Canada Joe]

Khung-Foo Macho