Let's hear your jokes

[..Ñøßߥ..]

American Navy
This is the transcript of the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES` ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT`S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[Canada Joe]

I do love a smiley with a good story....
At the bar.

...........................................

[Canada Joe]

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

[Canada Joe]

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?"
"No, Silly," the blonde said, "first I put the gun to my chest and then I thought, "I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.""
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun to my ear and I thought: "This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger."

[Love]

THE PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GOT UP AND MOVED TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SAT DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHED HER DO THIS, AND ASKED TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TOLD THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WOULD HAVE TO RETURN AND SIT IN THE ECONOMY SECTION IN BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIED, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON, AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE.'

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WENT BACK TO THE COCKPIT AND TOLD THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS WHO BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT WENT BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIED TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY, SHE WOULD HAVE TO LEAVE FIRST CLASS AND RETURN TO HER PROPER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIED, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I' M GOING TO HOUSTON, AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE.'

THE CO-PILOT RETURNED AND TOLD THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND, TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAID, 'YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE.'

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERED IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAID, 'OH, I'M SORRY.' AND SHE GOT UP AND WENT BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON.'

( Sorry the joke was in caps )

[Canada Joe]

Dragging Their Feet
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969."

The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."

[Canada Joe]

Zen Sausage
Said the Buddhist to the hot dog vendor: "Make me one with everything."

[Canada Joe]

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital when
during her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating
furiously.

"Oh my GOD!!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful!!! Why is he doing
that??"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I am very sorry
that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition
where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that
at least
5 times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily
rupture".

"Oh well, in that case, I guess it's ok." commented the woman.

In the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed and it was
obvious that a nurse was performing oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD!! How can THAT be justified?".

Again the doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, better health plan."

[Canada Joe]

Eating Fun

I hold it in my hand with just the right grip
It’s the cream inside that squirts on my lips
I keep it wrapped so I don’t get sticky
In my mouth I devour it quickly
Savoring the moment I just close my eyes
When suddenly I get a creamy surprise
It slides down my throat and into my tummy
I take in some more because it’s so yummy
Soon I realize the wrapper is a mess
So into my mouth I finish the rest
But the urge is still there, I need another one
I never knew eating a Twinkie could so much fun!

[Canada Joe]

..... ..

[Canada Joe]

Man, Woman, Sleeping Compartment
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

[..Ñøßߥ..]

lmfao

[..Ñøßߥ..]

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, and says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine , he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the bastard."

[< E >]

3 Mice In A Bar

Three Mice in a bar arguing about who's the toughest!

1st Mouse states I'm the toughest walks over to the bar gets a pint of vodka and downs it in one.. the other patrons of the bar look amazed ..

2nd Mouse states thats nothing, gets up walks over to the bar singles out the biggest Rat and knocks him clear on his ass with one blow.. the other patrons of the bar look amazed ..

3rd Mouse says nothing gets up and heads for the door, the others exclaim where the F%&*K are you going? 3rd Mouse looks back at them grins and says: Home to f**k the Cat.

[Canada Joe]

Shipwrecked

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"

"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love."

"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were."

Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.

The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!"

[Canada Joe]

The Mounties always get their man!

After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Osama is still alive', Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:

370H-SSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he showed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad.

Eventually they asked the RCMP for help. Within a minute RCMP emailed the White House with this reply:

'tell the president he's holding the message upside down'...

[Canada Joe]

Strangers on a Train
A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy.

"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me one dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get ten dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while.

"I know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to climb up a palm tree, and ten seconds to get back down?" The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out ten dollars and gives it to the farmer.

"I don''t know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to get up a palm tree and ten seconds to get back down?"

The farmer takes the ten dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out one dollar and hands it to the scientist.

"I don''t know."

[Canada Joe]

The Cab Driver Goes to Heaven
A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."

The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie."

St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "This is heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

[DragonRider]

A Jew and a Chinaman are sitting in a bar. All of the sudden the Jew gets up and knocks the Chinaman off of his barstool.
"What was that for?", asked the Chinaman
"That was for Pearl Harbor", responded the Jew
The Chinaman is baffled, "Pearl Harbor? That wasn't us that was the Japanese", he said
"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese, all you slant eyes are the same to us" said the Jew
After a little while of thinking about it, the Chinaman goes over to the Jew and knocks him off his barstool.
"What was that for?", asked the Jew
"That was for the Titanic", said the Chinaman
"That wasn't us", said the Jew, "The Titanic was sunk by an iceburg".
"Goldberg, Greenberg, Iceburg", said the Chinaman, "All you f**k' Jews are the same to us".

See what the friggin' Brits started with their damned "unsinkable ship"?

[DragonRider]

Qestion: Why did God give women legs?
Answer: To keep them from leaving a trail like a snail.

Question: How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Five, one to hold the light bulb and four to turn the ladder.

Question: Why is performing oral sex on a woman like being in the Mafia?
Answer: One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

[DragonRider]

That's funny shit, right there...

[Canada Joe]

Nice to see a Redneck enjoying himself...

[DragonRider]

The folks was stoning to death a whore outside the gates of Nazareth when Jesus came strolling up. He said, "Let ye who is without sin cast the first stone". Somebody chucked a rock the size of a goose egg and knocked that whore smooth out. Jesus turned around and said, "You know mom, sometimes you really piss me off."

Hey CJ

[Canada Joe]

Tell ya what.

[..Ñøßߥ..]

This one should amuse DR:

Nicolas Sarkozy, the French President, is sitting in his office when the telephone rings.



"Hallo Mr. Sarkozy" a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya”.



"Well Paddy," Sarkozy replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”



"Right now," says Paddy, after a moments calculation, "there’s meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight”.



Sarkozy paused, "I must tell you Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command".



“Begorrah”, says Paddy, “I'll have to ring you back”.



Sure enough the next day Paddy calls again "Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get some infantry equipment".



"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Sarkozy asks.



“Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer and Murphy's farm tractor”.



Sarkozy sighs, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke”.



"Saints preserve us" says Paddy. "I'll have to call you back".



Sure enough Paddy rings the next day. "Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne. We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have decided to join us".



Sarkozy was silent for a moment and then cleared his throat, "I must tell you Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 hundred fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser guided surface to air missiles and since we spoke last I have increased my army to 200,000."



“Jesus, Mary and Joseph" says Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back”.



Sure enough the next day Paddy calls again, "Top-o-the morning Mr. Sarkozy. I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war"



"Really, I am sorry to hear that," says Sarkozy, "Why the sudden change or heart?"



"Well", says Paddy, "We had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and finally decided there is no fecking way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners”.