While we bantered different scriptures around supporting our divergent positions, I realized that there was one really simple answer that answered every contradiction I had ever had to rationalize with the bible.
I had neglected to consider it my entire life, but rather than continual splitting of hairs to make each verse fit, there was the possibility that the whole thing was just made up.
It felt like a kick in the gut because immediately the simplicity of the solution made to much sense to ignore. The absolute incredulous shock that such a clear answer was there the whole time but I had been conditioned not to even see it. I had been walking around cleaning up elephant feces for most of my life without ever looking for the elephant.
Many people talk about stages of this process, but I must confess I missed most of their steps. Denial was not a factor once I considered the question. The shock phase only lasted a couple weeks while I sorted out the obvious.
But when it came to the anger stage...well, honestly that is where I hope to make my home. People talk about the fifth stage being acceptance, no thanks. One of the lessons I have taken from christianity is that tolerance of evil is intolerable. Which has caused me to turn on christianity with all the distaste it so richly deserves.
First and foremost I am angry at myself. I have always considered myself a person who allowed the facts to speak for themselves. To follow the evidence wherever it went regardless of the result. But for the first 20+ years of my life I didn't even start the Journey. Even though most of that time I lived my life not doing what I considered right. I actually condemned myself as being hellbound and lived with that label in spite of the fact that I would have qualified as a christian in most major denominations.
Also angry at those who had deceived me. My parents being first on the list, but with my dad being dead, that was a dead end. And even now considering him the best influence I have had in my life, it has tempered my respect for him simply because I do not understand how such a rational man could have continued to get it wrong for his entire life. My mother, well our relationship has always been a bit strained to say the least. And nothing to be gained by bashing her, she is most content in a small world that does not challenge her in the slightest.
My dad also has double duty in the situation being my only real pastor. But once again, dead end.
I never wish to let myself off the hook for "bringing others to christ". I think of some of them on a regular basis, that is my cross to bear.
It does seem unfortunate to consider people such as my childhood friend, who also happens to be my brother-in-law and my wife's family now as the enemy. But there is no middle ground.
I know that in their eyes I will always be a fallen away sinner who needs god. And most likely in nothing more than denial/rebellion (Don't you just love that one) of god. In their eyes the devil is just using me
. I am just as strident in my disbelief as I was in my belief. Memories of myself as a small child convinced that god could come back at anytime and I would go to hell are something I never want to forget. Because right now there are children getting that same indoctrination.
So until there are no churches, synagogues or temples left, let the war continue.
: Maybe we should send you to a concentration camp.
Only downside is, i don't really like to work weekends, hmm but i guess i don't have much to do during the week, so errm perhaps its a goer?
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